Post by Dr. Jai MaharajIn article
Absurd and False Christian Claims
"Jesus was the son of a virgin."
"Jesus is the only way to God ! "
"Jesus walked on water. "
No wonder Christianity is dying.
Please add 1) Jesus died and came back! 2) He preached
peace and love
Actually he preached violence
He did not die and was in a stupor and woke up
Bible explains all this and Jesus himself showed his
wounds and also ran fearing soldiers and ate and drank.
Why would a risen Jesus fear, eat and drink and have
wounds?
Christianity is a complete hoax to foll and conquer
Please also do not forget this man was an illegitimate
son of 13 year old Mary and probably Roman soldier Ben
Tiberius Panthera who was also father of John the baptist
whose mother also conceived from Holy Ghost (none other
than Ben!)
Christianity is meant for conquest by telling lies to
hoodwink nations.
They killed many because of this cult. Goa was a sad
example. Even now they kill Hindus in the north east
Now BJP will put a stop to this cruelty, hopefully
Dhanyavaad for your posts. Islam and Christianity have
incited their followers to massacre and terrorize Hindus
and others.
Islamic and Christian philosophies have no place among
civilized people.
Jai Maharaj, Jyotishi
Om Shanti
http://tinyurl.com/JaiMaharaj
A List of absurdities in the Christian Bible
Forwarded post from "G.Subramaniam" <***@comcast.net>
[ From: "G.Subramaniam" <***@comcast.net>
[ Subject: Absurdities in the Bible
[ Date: Sat, 6 Mar 2004
Link to website
http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/
Absurdities in the Bible
For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall
not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a
flat nose, or any thing superfluous.--Lev.21:18
Genesis
God creates light and separates light from darkness, and
day from night, on the first day.
Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun
and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). 1:3-5
God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the
second day) working on a solid firmament.
This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is
intended to separate the higher waters from the lower
waters. 1:6-8
Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun
to drive their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11
In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the
sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be
used "for signs". This, of course, is exactly what
astrologers do:
read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to predict
what will happen on Earth. 1:14
"He made the stars also." God spends a day making light
(before making the stars) and separating light from
darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's work, and
almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of
stars. 1:16
"And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give
light upon the earth." Really?
Then why are only a tiny fraction of stars visible from
earth? Under the best conditions, no more than five
thousand stars are visible from earth with the unaided
eye, yet there are hundreds of billions of stars in our
galaxy and a hundred billion or so galaxies.
Yet this verse says that God put the stars in the
firmament "to give light" to the earth. 1:17
God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and
replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion
over ... every living thing that moveth upon the earth."
This verse is used to justify Christian opposition to
birth control, to concern for the environment, and to
animal rights. The earth was made for humans, and they
can do as they damn well please with it. 1:28
All animals were originally herbivores. Tapeworms,
vampire bats, mosquitoes, and barracudas --all were
strict vegetarians, as they were created by God. But, of
course, we now know that there were carnivorous animals
millions of years before humans existed. 1:30
God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see
if any would strike his fancy.
But none seem to have what it takes to please him.
(Although he was tempted to go for the sheep.)
After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The
naming of several million species must have kept Adam
busy for a while. 2:18-20
God's clever, talking serpent. 3:1
God walks and talks (to himself?) in the garden, and
plays a little hide and seek with Adam and Eve. 3:8-11
God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will
crawl on his belly and eat dust.
One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his
tail, perhaps? But snakes don't eat dust, do they? 3:14
God curses the ground and causes thorns and thistles to
grow. 3:17-18
God kills some animals and makes some skin coats for Adam
and Eve. 3:21
God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a
chance to eat from that other tree --the tree of life.
God knows that if they do that, they well become "like
one of us" and live forever. 3:22-24
Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one
who finds me shall slay me."
This is a strange concern since there were only two other
humans alive at the time -- his parents! 4:14
"And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD." 4:16
"And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell
did she come from? 4:17
Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer
would be punished sevenfold, whoever murders him will be
punished seventy-seven fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24
God created a man and a woman, and he "called their name
Adam."
So the woman's name was Adam, too! 5:2
The first men had incredibly long lifespans. 5:5, 5:8,
5:11, 5:14, 5:17, 5:20, 5:23, 5:27, 5:31, 9:29
The "sons of God" copulated with the "daughters of men,"
and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of
renown." 6:2-4
"There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4
God decides to kill all living things because the human
imagination is evil. Later (8:21), after he kills
everything, he promises never to do it again because the
human imagination is evil. Go figure. 6:5
God repents. 6:6-7
God was angry because "the earth was filled with
violence." But didn't God create the whole bloody system
in the first place? Predator and prey, parasite and host
--weren't they all designed by God? Oh, it's true that
according to 1:30 God originally intended the animals to
be vegetarian. But later (3:18) he changed all that.
Still, the violence that angered God was of his own
making. So what was he upset about?
And how would killing everything help to make the world
less violent?
Did he think the animals would behave better after he
"destroys them with the earth"?
I guess God works in mysterious ways. 6:11-13
God tells Noah to make one small window (18 inches
square) in the 450 foot ark for ventilation. 6:16
Noah, the just and righteous. 6:9, 7:1
Noah, the drunk and naked. 9:20-21
God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every
time it rains. 7:11
"The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from
heaven was restrained."
This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2
Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land.
But the dove returns without finding any.
Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and
returns with an olive leaf.
But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any
seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn't
germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-
11
Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies
for God.
According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of
all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken
onto the ark. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor."
After this God "said in his heart" that he'd never do it
again because "man's heart is evil from his youth."
So God killed all living things (6:5) because humans are
evil, and then promises not to do it again (8:21) because
humans are evil. The mind of God is a frightening thing.
8:20-21
According to this verse, all animals fear humans.
Although it is true that many do, it is also true that
some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are
generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2
"Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God
gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they
please with them. This verse has been used by bible
believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and
environmental destruction. 9:2
All animals have hands. 9:5
"Be ye fruitful, and multiply." With 6 billion people on
this planet, we need to disobey God on this one. 9:7
God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his
creatures.
He makes a deal with the animals, promising never to
drown them all again.
He even puts the rainbow in the sky so that whenever he
sees it, it will remind him of his promise so that he
won't be tempted to do it again.
(Every time God sees the rainbow he says to himself: "Oh,
yeah....
That's right. I promised not to drown the animals again.
I guess I'll have to find something else to do."). 9:9-13
The entire tenth chapter is the first of many boring
genealogies (see 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1:1-17, Lk.3:23-28 for
other examples) that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4
and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.")
10:1-32
God worries that people could actually build a tower high
enough to reach him (them?) in heaven. 11:4
God is worried again. He remembers how humans nearly
became gods by finding and eating from the tree of life
(Gen.3:22). It was a close call, but now he faces a
similar threat.
He begins talking to himself again saying, "Behold, the
people is one, and they all have one language."
He fears that "now nothing will be restrained from them,
which they have imagined to do." 11:6
Another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1
Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9.
("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") Also note
the ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32
Poor Pharaoh couldn't resist the "very fair" Sarai, and
he takes her into his harem.
(She must have been well preserved, since she was about
seventy years old at the time.) 12:15
The Amalekites were smitten before Amalek (from whom they
descended) was born.
Amalek was the grandson of Esau (Gen.36:12). 14:7
Abraham circumcises himself and all of the males in his
household.
Since he supposedly had 318 slaves back in 14:14, poor
old Abe must have been pretty busy with his knife. But it
was worth it. Penises are supremely important to God.
And he can't stand foreskins. 17:23-24
Abraham feeds God and three angels. 18:1-4
Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through
menopause, laughs at God when he tells her that she will
have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with
her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old.
God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at
the appointed time. 18:11-14
God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that
Abraham might try to stop him. so he asks himself if he
should hide his intentions from Abraham. 18:17
"And the Lord went his way." Now where might that be?
18:33
The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and
are sexually irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5
Lot [the just and righteous (2 Pet.2:7-8)] offers his
daughters to a crowd of angel rapers. 19:8
Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But
it was a "just and righteous" lie, intended to make them
more attractive to the sex-crazed mob. 19:14
Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a
pillar of salt. 19:26
Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The
daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk,
and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives
and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!).
Just another wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-
38
"The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had
spoken."
And "Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-
assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2
These verses suggest that Ishmael was an infant when his
father abandoned him, yet according to Gen.17:25 and
Gen.21:5-8 he must have been about 16 years old.
It must have been tough for poor Hagar to carry Ishmael
on her shoulder and to then "cast him under one of the
shrubs." 21:14-18
Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after
Jehovah.
But according to Ex.6:3, Abraham couldn't have known that
God's name was Jehovah. 22:14
God swears to himself. 22:16
Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100
years old (Gen.21:1-2, Rom.4:19, Heb.11:12). But here,
when he is even older, he manages to have six more
children without any help from God. 25:2
Abraham lived to be 175 years old. 25:7
Ishmael lived 137 years. 25:17
Isaac's wife (Rebekah), like his mother (Sarah), was also
barren. 25:21
Jacob names Bethel for the first time 28:19, before
meeting Rachel.
Later in 35:15, just before Rachel dies, he names Bethel
again. (I guess the name didn't take the first time.)
Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake. 29:23, 25
"And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and
bare Jacob a son."
(These arrangements never seem to produce daughters.)
30:4
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah)
"to wife."
And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9
Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes.
And so, when Jacob cam home, Leah said: "Thou must come
in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's
mandrakes. And he lay with her that night."
Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is
teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her
womb. And she conceived and bare a son [surprise,
surprise]." 30:22
Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for
Jacob's sake.
"By experience" means "by divination", at least that is
how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27
God renames Jacob for the first time (See 35:10 for the
first renaming).
God says that Jacob will henceforth be called Israel, but
the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway.
And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 30:28
Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by
having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods.
The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39
Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's
name to Israel to signify that he wrestled with God and
"prevailed." 32:24-30
Isaac lives to be 180. 35:28
Chapter 36 presents another boring genealogy that we are
told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9
("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 36:1-43
"And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite..
and he took her, and went in unto her.
And she conceived, and bare a son; and she called his
name Er.
And she conceived again [I guess Judah must have went in
unto her again] and bare a son; and she called hi name
Onan."
(It seems that the probability of having a biblical
daughter is considerably less than 50%.) 38:2-4
Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 15
Jacob lives to be 147. 47:28
Exodus
The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several
million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26
God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-
heart talk with Moses. 3:4 - 4:17
God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to
impress.
First: Throw your rod on the ground; it will become a
snake. 4:2-9
Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod
again. 4:4
Second: Make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it.
4:6-7
Then, if these two don't do the trick, pour water on the
ground and it will turn into blood. (That ought to do
it!) 4:2-9
God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet
been circumcised.
Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a
sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and
cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband
art thou to me. So he [God] let him go."
This story shows the importance of penises to God, and
his hatred of foreskins. 4:24-26
God says that Abraham didn't know that his name was
Jehovah.
Yet in Gen.22:14 Abraham names the place where he nearly
kills Isaac after God's name, Jehovah. 6:3
Lehi, Kohath, and Amram join the long list of biblical
characters with ridiculously long lives (137, 133, and
137 years, respectively). 6:16, 18, 20
In complaining about his difficulty with public speaking,
Moses says, "Behold I am of uncircumcised lips." 6:12,
6:30
God tells Moses and Aaron that when Pharaoh asks for a
miracle just throw your rod down and it will become a
serpent. So when the time comes, Moses throws down his
rod and it becomes a serpent. But the Egyptian magicians
duplicate this trick.
Luckily, for Aaron, his snake swallows theirs. (Whew!)
7:9-13
After the rod to serpent trick, God tells Moses and Aaron
to smite the river and turn it into blood.
This is the first of the famous 10 plagues of Egypt.
Unfortunately, the magicians know this trick too, and
they do so with their enchantments.
Shucks! Just how the river could be turned to blood by
the Egyptian sorcerers after it had been turned to blood
by Moses and Aaron is not explained. 7:17-24
The second plague is frogs. Frogs covered the land. They
were all over the beds and filled the ovens.
But the Egyptian magicians did this trick too. (Did they
wait until the frogs cleared out from the last
performance before doing it again?)
After the frog making contest was declared a draw, all
the frogs died and "they gathered them together upon
heaps; and the land stank." I bet.
But at least it was all for the greater glory of God.
8:2-7
Plague #3 is lice in man and beast. This is the first
trick that the magicians couldn't do.
After this the magicians were convinced that Moses and
Aaron's plagues were done by "the finger of God," and
they gave up trying to match the remaining seven plagues.
I guess lice are harder to make than frogs. 8:17-19
The fourth plague is swarms of flies, continuing the
frogs and lice theme. 8:21
The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:6 But a
little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God kills them again a
couple more times.
The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and
beast.9:9-12
Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know
him better. 9:14
The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote
throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field,
both man and beast." 9:22-25
Eighth plague: locusts that are so thick that they
"covered the face of the whole earth."
(Even over Antarctica?) 10:4-5
Ninth plague: three days of darkness. The darkness was so
this that the Egyptians couldn't even see each other. But
the darkness knew how to avoid the Israelites, and so
"all the children of Israel had light in their
dwellings." 10:21-23
God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their
doors. That way when he's going around killing Egyptian
children, he'll remember not to kill their children too.
He probably said to himself when he saw the blood, "Oh
yeah, I remember now.
I not supposed to kill the children in this house." 12:7,
13
The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all
Pharaoh's horses." But according to Ex.9:3-6
God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night. 13:21
there wouldn't have been any horses, since God killed
them all in "a very grievous murrain." 14:23
God removes the wheels from the Egyptians' chariots.
14:25
God divided the sea with a "blast of [his] nostrils."
15:8
Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter
water taste sweet. 15:25
God stands on a rock and tells Moses to hit the rock.
Then water comes out of it for the people to drink. God's
such a clever guy! 17:6
As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the
Israelites are successful in battle, but the second his
hand falls, they start getting beat. So when Moses' arm
gets tired, Aaron props it up so that the Amalakites get
slaughtered. 17:11-12
"The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have
war with Amalek from generation to generation."
So God is still fighting Amalek. I hope Moses can still
keep his hand up. 17:14-16
God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar
"that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts
on stairs are a problem.) 20:26
If an ox gores someone, then both the ox and his owner
must die. (And the ox shall surely be stoned.) 21:28
"Thou shalt not seethe a kid in a kid in his mother's
milk." 23:19
God has hornets that bite and kill people.23:27-28
God has feet.24:10
Six chapters are wasted on divine instructions for making
tables, candlesticks, snuffers, etc. 25 - 30
God decrees that priestly garments, girdles, and bonnets
shall be made "for glory and beauty." 28:2, 20, 40
God's magical Urim and Thummim 28:30
Aaron must where a bell whenever he enters "the holy
place" or God will kill him. 28:34-35
God gives instructions for making priestly breeches. "And
thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their
nakedness; from the loins even unto the thighs shall they
reach." 28:42
God instructs the priests to burn the dung of bullocks
outside the camp as a sin offering. 29:14
God tells Moses to kill a ram and put the blood on the
tip of Aaron's right ear, and on his right thumb, and on
his right big toe, and then sprinkle the blood around the
altar. Finally, sprinkle some on Aaron and his sons and
on their garments. This will make them "hallowed." 29:20-
21
God tells Aaron and his sons to take the rump, fat, caul,
kidneys, and right shoulder of the ram and add a loaf of
bread or two, and a wafer of unleavened bread. Then they
put the whole mess in the hands of Aaron and his sons and
they wave them before the Lord. This is a wave offering.
29:22-24
Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when
reminding the kiddies to wash their hands before supper.
30:20
Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off
from his people." 30:33
And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled.
30:37-38
God's finger. 31:18
Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take
off their clothes and dance around naked.
God then punishes them mercilessly for following their
divinely appointed religious leader. Ex.32:1-35
Although God is too shy to let Moses see his face, he
does permit a peek at his "back parts."
(The divine mooning) 33:23
God's name is Jealous. 34:14
One of the commandments of God is "Thou shalt not seeth a
kid in its mother's milk." 34:26
Moses goes without food or water for 40 days and 40
nights. 34:28
Leviticus
God gives detailed instructions for performing
ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals must
be important to God, judging from the number of times
that he repeats their instructions.
Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be
summarized as follows:
Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut
the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet
savor unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9
When you are making your animal sacrifices, be sure to
remember that "all the fat is the Lord's."
God loves blood and guts, but most especially fat. And he
doesn't like to share! 3:16
"If a soul shall sin through ignorance...." But how can
someone "sin through ignorance?" Don't your have to at
least know that an act is wrong before it can be sinful?
4:2, 13, 22, 27
If you touch any unclean thing (like a dead cow or a bug)
or the "uncleanness of man" (?), then you'll be both
unclean and guilty. 5:2-3
According to these verses it's possible to sin without
even knowing that you've done something wrong. 5:15, 17
Whatever touches the dead body of a burnt offering
becomes holy. 6:25-27
Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices.
Don't eat fat or blood -- these are for God. (And he
doesn't like to share!) 7:18-27
God gives instructions for "wave offerings" and "heave
offerings." He says these offerings are to be made
perpetually "by a statute for ever." Have you made your
heave offering today? 7:30-36
Moses dresses up his brother Aaron with "the curious
girdle of the ephod." 8:7-8
God's magical Urim and Thummim 8:8
Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal;
wipes the blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes.
Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts
before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a
sweet savour before the Lord." 8:14-32
More killing, sprinkling of blood, waiving animal parts,
and burning carcasses "before the Lord." 9:8-21
God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and
heave offerings "by a statute forever." 10:15
Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are
abominations to God. 11:10-12
Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping
things which have four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so
technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects.
You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many
of them (at least several million species), that he would
know how many legs they have! 11:23
If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And
if your hair falls out from the part of your head toward
your face, you are forehead bald, yet clean. 13:40-41
God's treatment for leprosy: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip
the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the
blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-
soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe
some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and
big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of
the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat.
Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin
offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-32
Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the
treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their
"flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the
issue spit upon him that is clean ..." 15:2-15
This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed
of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your
partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32
God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this:
Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the
blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give
it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the
wilderness. 16:6-28
Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or
neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while
you are around. 18:6-18, 20
"Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her
nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness,"
Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19
"Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse
kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with a mingled seed:
neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come
upon thee." I'm glad God told me about this, I was just
about to do some of these awful things. 19:19
God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees
is "uncircumcised" for three years after the trees are
planted. 19:23
Don't eat anything with blood, don't round the corners of
your head, mar the corners of your beard, make any
cuttings in your flesh for the dead, or print any marks
on you. 19:26-28
Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits.
19:35-36
Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither
shall they shave off the corner of their beard." 21:5
The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor
defile himself for his father, or for his mother." 21:11
Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They
would "profane" it. 21:16-23
Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must
stay away from the altar of God. 21:18
A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer
the bread of his God." 21:20
A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running
issue", or "whose seed goeth from him", or who touches
any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the
holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5
God gives us more instructions on killing and burning
animals. I guess the first nine chapters of Leviticus
wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really
likes the smell -- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord."
23:12-14, 18
God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an
army of 10,000. 26:8
"If then their uncircumcised hearts be humbled ..." How
can a heart be "uncircumcised"? 26:41
Numbers
The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to
several million (over 600,000 adult males) in just a few
generations! 1:45-46
The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of
being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest
then makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is
guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly
swell. If innocent, no harm done -- the woman is free and
will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be
guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her
iniquity." 5:11-31
"And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord:
and the Lord heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He
then burns the complainers alive. That'll teach them.
11:1
"As a nursing father beareth the suckling child...."
11:12
God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a
few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of
your nostrils, and it be loathsome to you." Yuck. 11:20
God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two
cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth."
Taking the "face of the earth" to be a circle with a
radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's
journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3x1012) liters
of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a
couple million quails for each of several million people.
11:31
"Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which
were upon the face of the earth." This is a strange way
to describe on of the cruelest men to have ever lived (If
he ever did live, which he probably didn't). Moses, as he
is described in the Bible, is anything but meek (See
Num.31:14-18 for an example of his "meekness"). 12:3
"And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit
in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days?"
Perhaps. But shouldn't God be ashamed for including such
vulgarity in the Bible? 12:14
"And there we saw the giants ... And we were in our own
sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight."
This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole,
typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description
of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been
about 300 feet tall. These are the same giants (the
Nephilium) that resulted when the "sons of God" mated
with "the daughters of men in Gen.6:4 Of course, these
superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the
flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33
God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing
of animals. The smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour
unto the Lord." 15:3, 13-14, 24
"If any soul sin through ignorance ..." but how can
someone sin through ignorance? Don't you have to know
that an action is wrong for it to be sinful? Oh well, if
you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be
forgiven by God if you kill some animals. 15:27-30
Immediately after ordering the execution of the sabbath
breaker, God gets down to some more important business --
like instructing the people on how to make fringes on
their garments. 15:38-39
Aaron is getting better at his magic tricks. He has rod
bud, bloom, and yield almonds. 17:8
God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic
animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely
important to God, since he makes their performance a
"statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then don't Bible-
believers perform these sacrifices anymore? Don't they
realize how God must miss the "sweet savour" of burning
flesh? Don't they believe God when he says "forever"?
18:17-19
The purification of the unclean. These absurd rituals,
cruel sacrifices, and unjust punishments are vitally
important to God. He even insists that they are to be "a
perpetual statute" to all humankind. 19:1-22
The Red Heifer. I'm not sure what all this is about, but
I guess fundamentalists believe that when a red heifer is
born, Armageddon will soon follow. Well, guess what? A
red heifer was born in March 2002 and has been declared
ritually acceptable by the rabbis. So in a few years the
red heifer can be sacrificed, ushering in, so they say,
the end of the world. You can read all about it here in
the National Review. 19:2
God give instructions for burning the "dung" of
sacrificial animals. This is something that everyone
needs to know about (that's why it's in the Bible!). 19:5
Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes
out. 20:11
God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and
many of them die. 21:6
To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a
graven image in the form of a snake (breaking the second
commandment) and puts it on a pole. Those who look at
Moses' magic snake to not die -- even if they were
previously bit by God's snakes. 21:8
God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men
are these with thee?" 22:9
God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up,
and go with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them,
just as cog had commanded." And God's anger was kindled
because he went" -- but he was just following God's
instructions! 22:20-22
Balaam has a nice little chat with his ass. 22:28-30
God meets Balaam and "put a word in his mouth." 23:15-16
God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's
even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22
Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." But
Balaam couldn't have known about Agag since Agag didn't
live until the time of King Saul. (See 1Sam.15:33 where
Samuel hacks king Agag into pieces.) 24:7
God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the
nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through
with his arrows. What a guy! 24:8
God's magical Urim and Thummim 27:21
In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed
instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals.
The burning of their dead bodies smells great to God.
Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are
to him a "sweet savour." 28-29
Deuteronomy
God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special
protection since they were the descendents of Lot's
drunken, incestuous affair with his daughters (Gen.19:30-
38). 2:9, 19
More talk about a "land of giants." They must have been
much more common back then. 2:10-11, 20
Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA
standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long
and 6 feet wide). 3:11
When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side;
"he shall fight for you." 3:22
"Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you
neither shall ye diminish ought from it." This verse is
one of those that prevent Bible-believers from cleaning
up the Bible. So they're stuck with the unedited version.
4:2
God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither
will their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send
infertility and diseases on the other guys.) 7:14-15
God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord
thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23
Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the
foreskin of your heart." 10:16
After God instructs the Israelites to mercilessly
slaughter all the strangers that they encounter (Dt.7:2,
16), he tells them to "love ye therefore the stranger:
for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." 10:19
God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any
of his commands. Why then don't modern Bible-believers
stone to death blasphemers, sabbath breakers, and
disobedient sons? 12:32
Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead."
14:1
This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud.
14:7-8
Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales.
Oysters, clams, crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and
shouldn't be eaten. 14:10
To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean
bird. 14:11, 18
Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around.
But it's okay to give it to strangers or sell it to
foreigners. And, just in case you were getting ready to,
don't boil a kid (young goat) is its mother's milk. 14:21
Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is
very picky! 17:1
God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4
If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of
death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head
of a heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our
hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8
Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an
"abomination unto the Lord." 22:5
"Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together" or
wear wool and linen together in the same garment. But
"thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of
thy vesture." 22:10-12
You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or
your penis has been cut off. 23:1
God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the
sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth
generation." So if you plan to attend church next Sunday
be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't
forget your birth certificate and genealogical records
for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This
stuff is important to God. 23:2
God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to
carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the
midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to
step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14
Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an
abomination to the Lord. 24:4
If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall
"go in unto" his dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the
dead man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his
face. 25:5-10
If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets"
of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thy
eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12
Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15
"Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because
he uncovereth his father's skirt." 27:20
"Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and
all the people shall say, Amen." 27:21
"Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the
people shall say, Amen." 27:22
"Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all
the people shall say, Amen." 27:23
"Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this
law." 27:26
"Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou
be in the field." I guess you'll be cursed just about
wherever you go. 28:16
"Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed
shalt thou be when thou goest out." 28:19
"And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and
the earth that is under thee shall be iron." 28:23
"The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and
the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with
the itch, whereof thou canst be healed. The Lord will
smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment
of heart." 28:27-28
"The Lord will smite thee in the knees, and in the legs,
with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of
thy foot unto the top of thy head." 28:35
"The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee
very high; and thou shalt come down very low ... he shall
be the head, and thou shalt be the tail." 28:43-44
The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out
even after wandering in the wilderness for forty years.
They just don't make them like they used to! 29:5
God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy
seed." 30:6
When Moses was 120 years old he could no longer "go out
and come in." I'll bet he could still go up and down,
though. Indeed, just a little later (Dt.34:7) we are told
that "his eye was not dim, nor his natural forces
abated." 31:1-2
"Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what
genus and species the bible is referring to when it
mentions dragons. 32:33
God's magical Urim and Thummim 33:8
Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." That's
good to know. 33:17
Moses, the alleged author of the Pentateuch, describes
his own death and burial. 34:5 Joshua
The priests were able to cross the Jordan without getting
their feet wet. 3:17
At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and
circumcises "again the children of Israel the second
time" (ouch!) at the "hill of the foreskins." 5:2-3
God's plan for the destruction of Jericho: Have seven
priests go before the ark with seven trumpets of ram's
horns. Then on the seventh day, they go around the city
seven times. Finally, the priests blow a long blast from
the ram's horns, all the people shout, and the walls will
fall down. 6:4-7, 13-15
Joshua and all the elders tear their clothes, fall on
their faces, and put dust on their heads. They perform
this tantrum because the Israelites lost a battle (God
was punishing them because one man (Achan) "took of the
accursed thing"). I wonder what "the accursed thing" was?
Knowledge, tolerance, kindness perhaps? 7:1-13
God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them "along
the way" as they try to escape. Then he sends down huge
hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:10-11
In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the
sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing
done before dark. "Is this not written in the book of
Jasher?" Beats me. 10:12-13
"The Lord fought for Israel." I wonder what kind of
weapon he used. Probably the jawbone of an ass. 10:14,
10:42
"And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the
remnant of the giants ..." Why is there no record of any
of these giants in the archeological record? 12:4, 18:16
Poor Joshua must have had trouble with math. He says
there are 29 cities in verse 32, but he lists 38 in
verses 21-32. Then he says there were 14 cities in verse
36, but lists 15 in verses 33-36. 15:32, 36
Judges
"The Lord ... could not drive out the inhabitants of the
valley, because they had chariots of iron." 1:19
God promised many times that he would drive out all the
inhabitants of the lands they encountered. But these
verses show that God failed to keep his promise since he
was unable to driver out the Canaanites. 1:21, 27-30
God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them."
Well, I hope he got a good price. 2:14, 4:2
Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise
God. 3:31
"The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he
[Sisera, not God] had nine hundred chariots of iron." Yet
just a few verses ago (Jg.1:19) God was overpowered by
chariots of iron. 4:3
"The stars in their courses fought against Sisera."
Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the
outcome of a battle? 5:20
Every male Midianite was killed during the time of Moses
(Num.31:7), and yet just a few years later they flourish
like grasshoppers "without number." 6:1-6
Gideon needs some signs to convince him that God isn't
lying to him. So he puts down some wool on the ground and
asks God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding
ground dry. And God does it, no sweat. But Gideon is
still not sure he can trust God, so he asks him to
reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool
dry. "And God did so ..." Gideon must have been impressed
by a God that could do such great things. 6:36-40
God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way
they drink water. Only those that lap water with their
tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight. 7:4-7
The Midianites and Amelekites had an infinite number of
camels -- well, maybe not quite, but at least as many "as
the sand by the sea shore." 7:12
Gideon made an Ephod out of camel necklaces that caused
"all Israel" to "go a whoring. 8:27
Abimelech kills 70 brothers "upon one stone." (He was
trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5
"Wine ... cheereth God and man." So God drinks wine and
it makes him happy. 9:13
God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal
treacherously with each other. 9:23-24
God is angry at Israel so he sells them to the
Philistines. He had previously sold them to the kings of
Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan (4:2). He's such a shrewd
businessman! 10:7
"And the child [Samson] grew, and the Lord blessed him."
Samson was one of the vilest of all the vile Bible
heroes; Yet he was especially blessed by God. 13:24
Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord
came mightily upon him." Later, when going to "take" his
Philistine wife he notices a swarm of bees and honey in
the lion's carcass (a Divine miracle -- or just rotting
flesh and maggots?). 14:5-8
"The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and
"he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and
slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15
Samson, after "going in unto" a harlot, takes the doors,
gate, and posts of the city and carries them to the top
of a hill. Why did he do this? Did God make him do it or
was he just showing off? The Bible doesn't say. 16:3
Samson reveals the secret of his strength to Delilah: "If
I be shaven, then my strength will go from me." (And I
thought his strength was from God.) 16:17
After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his
virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of
perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob
refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back
to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body
on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up
into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve
tribes of Israel. 19:22-30
God tells the Israelites to send the tribe of Judah into
battle and 22,000 men were killed by the Benjamites.
20:18, 21
God tells them to go to battle again and another 18,000
are killed. 20:23, 25
Ruth
Boaz "went in unto" Ruth and "the Lord gave her
conception, and she bare a son." Another God-assisted
conception results in a baby boy. Son of a gun. 4:13
1 Samuel
"And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord
remembered her [he probably said something like, "Oh
yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up."]. And Hannah
conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy, another boy!], and
called his name Samuel." 1:19-20
After god "opened her womb" Hannah exclaims, "my mouth is
enlarged over mine enemies." Sounds kinky to me. 2:1
God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in
their secret parts." 5:6, 9, 12
After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their
secret parts," he demands that they send him five golden
hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." 6:5, 11, 17
"An evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." but if God
is good, then how could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16,
23
Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4
"The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he
prophesied." 18:10
"All Israel and Judah loved David, because he went out
and came in before them." 18:16
David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to
Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul
had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling
generous. 18:25-27
And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor
guy, he just can't keep God's evil spirit off of himself.
19:9
David acts like he's crazy, scribbles on the gates of
Gath, and lets spit run down his beard. All this he did
in front of Israel's enemies in the hopes that they would
take him in and protect him from Saul. 21:12
"And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman
alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) Among those
that David exterminated were the Amalekites. But there
couldn't have been any Amalekites to kill since Saul
killed them all (1 Sam.15:7-8) just a little while
before. 27:8-11
God's magical Urim and Thummim 28:6
Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she
brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again
explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of
the Amelekites. He says God is going to deliver all of
Israel into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul
refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter
the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19
The Amalekites are a tough tribe. Twice they were
"utterly destroyed": first by Saul (1 Sam.15:7-8) and
then by David (1 Sam.27:9-11). Yet here they are, just a
few years later, fighting the Israelites again! 30:1
David spends the day killing more of those pesky
Amalekites. They are completely wiped out again. (See 1
Sam.15:7-8, 20 and 27:8-9 for the last two times that
they were exterminated.) 30:17
2 Samuel
"Behold, it is written in the book of Jasher." Where? I
can't seem to find a copy of this book. 1:18
Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." It seems that
in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten.
2:23, 3:27, 4:6, 20:10
David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused
to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well,
he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1
Sam.18:27). 3:14
After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts
her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears
another son (Solomon). 12:24
"The wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the
sword devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have
devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. There were probably
lots of lions and tigers and bears. (Oh my!) 18:8
The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke
comes out of God's nostrils, and fire out of his mouth.
22:8-16
God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chr.21:1 says
that Satan tempted David, and Jas.1:13 says that God
never tempts anyone. Why did God or Satan tempt David to
take the census? And what the heck is wrong with a census
anyway? 24:1
Israel had 1,300,000 fighting men in this battle. Of
course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle
between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States
had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.)
24:9
God offers David a choice of punishments for having
conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine (1
Chr.21:1 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from
enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't
decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence,
killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and
children). 24:13
Finally, when an angel is about to destroy Jerusalem,
"the Lord repented." That's nice, but why would a good
God have to repent of the evil that he planned to do?
24:16
1 Kings
God grants Solomon's' request and makes him the wisest of
all men. (He was wiser even than Jesus.) He also promises
to "lengthen Solomon's days" if he will only "walk in my
ways, ... as thy father David did walk." But alas, it was
only a dream. 3:12-15
How could Solomon be "wiser than all men" and yet have
his heart "turned away ... after other gods?" (1 Kg.11:4)
4:29-31
The house that "Solomon built for the Lord" was tiny
compared to the one he built for himself. According to
7:1-2, God's house had less than one-quarter the floor
space of Solomon's. 6:2, 7:1-2
God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a
punishment for sin. 8:35
"King Solomon loved many strange women. And he had 700
wives and 300 concubines." 11:3
The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kg.4:31) was misled by
his wives into worshipping other gods. "And his heart was
not perfect with the Lord his God, as was the heart of
David his father." See 1 Sam.18:27, 27:9, 2 Sam.4:12,
5:8, 13, and 11:2-17 for examples of what a man whose
heart is "perfect with the Lord" can do. It was fortunate
that Solomon's heart was not so perfect. 11:4, 15:3
Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every
male in Edom. Yet a few years later Edom revolted. (2
Kg.8:22) 11:15
God kills everyone "that pisseth against the wall."
14:10, 16:11, 21:21
Ravens bring Elijah bread and flesh for breakfast and
dinner. 17:6
God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites hands, and
100,000 were killed in one day. Of those that escaped,
27,000 were crushed by a falling wall. (It was a really
big wall.) 20:28-30
God's dog food. 21:19, 22:23
2 Kings
Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men
to death. 1:10, 12 2:8
Elisha repeats Elijah's trick of parting the waters of
the Jordan by smiting them with his mantle. 2:14
Elisha "heals" the waters by adding a pinch of salt.
2:20-22
God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for
making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24
Elisha can do all the tricks of Jesus (raise the dead,
heal the sick, etc.). Here he cures a leper, but only
after the leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan.
5:14
Elisha makes an iron ax head swim. Neat trick, not even
Jesus did that one! 6:6
During a famine an ass's head sells for 80 pieces of
silver and a bit of dove's dung for 5 pieces of silver.
6:25
The Edomites revolt. But how could they have fought when
all of their males had just recently been killed? (1
Kg.11:16) 8:22
Elisha tells Joash to hit the ground with his arrow. So
he smacks the ground three times. Elisha then yells at
him, saying he should have sturck the ground five or six
times. If he had, then he would have completely wiped out
Syria, but now since he only struck the ground three
times, he'll only get to smite Syria three times. Shucks!
13:18-19
A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally
touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21
According to this verse, Ahaz was 36 years old when he
completed his reign. And 18:1-2 says that he was
succeeded by a 25 year old son, Hezekiah. This means that
Ahaz fathered Hezakiah when he was only eleven years old!
16:2
Hezekiah, the son of Ahaz, began to reign when he was 25
years old. His father was 36 years old when Hezekiah took
over (16:2). So Ahaz was only eleven years old when he
fathered Hezekiah! 18:1-2
An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they
sleep. "And when they arose early in the morning, behold,
they were all dead corpses." I guess they all woke up and
said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35
Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move
backwards ten degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at
once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its
direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around
the
God threatens to "bring such evil upon Jerusalem and
Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall
tingle." 21:12
1 Chronicles
The first nine chapters of First Chronicles are good
examples of the "endless genealogies" that Paul tells us
to avoid (see 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9). Chapters 1-9
Seven sons of Zerubbabel are listed, not five as is said
in this verse. 3:20
Five sons of Shemiah are listed, not six as is said in
this verse. 3:22
Among those killed by the "mighty man", Benaiah, was a
giant Egyptian "five cubits high". Since a cubit is 18
inches or so, that would have made him about 7'6" (2.3
meters). 11:23
The Gadites had faces like lions and could run as fast as
deer on the mountains. 12:8
According to this verse David's army had 1,100,000 men
from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this
numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two
tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about
1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5
David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount
of gold and silver with which to build the temple:
100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver.
Since a talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about
3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver. 22:14
"The sons of Jeduthun; Gedaliah, and Zeri, and Jeshaiah,
Hashabiah, and Mattithiah, six." But only five are
listed. 25:3
King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for
the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is
especially interesting since darics were coins named
after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years
after David. 29:7
The acts of David are said to be found in the books of
Samuel the seer, Nathan the prophet, and Gad the seer.
Were these long-lost books supposed to be in the Bible?
If so, how could God allow them to be lost? If not, why
does God tell us about books that no longer exist (if
they ever did)? 29:29
2 Chronicles
That Solomon was the wisest and richest king to ever live
is undoubtedly an exaggeration. Therefore it is also a
false prophecy. 1:12
Solomon enlists a huge workforce (over 150,000 men) to
construct a small chapel. (See 1 Kg.6:2 where the
dimensions of the building are given as approximately 90
feet long, 30 feet wide, and 45 feet high.) 2:2
The author of 2 Chronicles talks about the mercies of
David, but David was anything but merciful. For some
examples of his behavior see 2 Sam.12:31 and 1 Chr.20:3,
where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants
of several cities. 6:42
A half million soldiers die in a single God-assisted
slaughter. 13:16-17
"The eyes of the Lord run to and fro ..." 16:9
Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians
instead of seeking the Lord. Apparently, God disapproves
of those who seek medical help rather than "seeking the
Lord." 16:12
Jehoram began to reign after Elijah went to heaven (2
Kg.2:11, 8:16), so how could King Jehoram receive a
letter from him? 21:9, 12
Jehoram was 32 years old when he began to reign and he
reigned for eight years and then died (a 40 years old).
After his death, his youngest son Ahaziah began to reign
at the age of 42 (22:1-2). So the son (Ahaziah) was two
years older than his father! 21:20, 22:1-2
If you are interested in learning more about Manaasseh,
read "The Sayings of the Seers" -- if you can find it,
that is. 33:18-19
"The LORD his God be with him, and let him go up." Now
how's that for a strange ending? Actually, the last two
verses from 2 Chronicles are taken from the first few
verses of Ezra. It just happens that whoever decided to
tack these verses on (for whatever reason) forgot to
finish the sentence! 36:22-23
Ezra
God's magical Urim and Thummim 2:63
When Ezra hears of the intermarriages, he tears up his
clothes, plucks out his hair and beard, and sits down
astonished. 9:3
Nehemiah
Nehemiah gets so upset that he shakes his lap. 5:13
God's magical Urim and Thummim 7:65
Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To
punish them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and
smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair."
13:25-27
Job
God asks where Satan has been lately (apparently God
didn't know), and Satan answered saying, "From walking to
and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down on
it." This verse inspired Mark Twain's delightful "Letters
From the Earth.". 1:7, 2:2
God gives Satan power over all that Job possesses. 1:12
God and Satan play a little game with Job. God allows
Satan to torment Job, just to see how he will react. 2:3-
7
Job asks the important question: "Is there any taste in
the white of an egg?" 6:6
Job says "my breath is strange to my wife." Mine too.
19:17
"His breasts are full of milk." 21:24
When things were going well for Job he washed his steps
with butter and rocks poured out rivers of oil. 29:6
Poor Job's "bowels boiled." Now that doesn't sound
pleasant. 30:27
Job is the brother of dragons. 30:29
"Who can stay the bottles of heaven?" Gosh, I don't know.
I didn't even know there were any bottles in heaven.
38:37
"Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee?" The unicorn
referred to here is probably not the single-horned
mythical creature, but rather a wild ox that was
mistranslated in the KJV. 39:9-10
Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a
hippopotamus, dinosaur, or wildebeest. But my favorite is
the note in the Harper Collins Study Bible: "If
tail(40:17) is not a euphemism for the sexual organ,
Behemoth seems in this respect to resemble a crocodile."
40:15-24
I guess this fire-breathing monster is supposed to be
God. 41:14-24
Psalms
God made the heavens with his fingers. 8:3
God has eyelids. 11:4
Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1
The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7
Smoke comes out of God's nose and fire comes out of his
mouth. 18:8
God's feet. 18:9
God rides upon cherubs and can fly. 18:10
"The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the
blast of the breath of thy nostrils." Apparently, then,
the earth is set on firm foundations and does not move --
and God has nostrils. 18:15
God saves the author of this psalm "from the horns of the
unicorns." He is a lucky guy -- those unicorns are
vicious beasts. 22:21
God makes Lebanon and Sirion "like a young unicorn." 29:6
Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing."
So those who are poor or hungry just aren't seeking God
enough. 34:10
The meek shall inherit the earth." Will they really? In
nature they inherit nothing, but die painful deaths from
disease, starvation, and predation. 37:11
Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that
way. They tell lies immediately after birth (before they
can even talk!). 58:3
According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't,
of course, they simply leave a slimy trail as they move
along. 58:8
They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold,
they belch out with their mouths." These are good reasons
for God to kill them. 59:6-7
The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and
blinded by God. He asks God to "make their loins
continually to shake." 69:22-28
God is so strong that he can even break the head of
dragons. 74:13
"And he [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts." (He
kicked their ass.) 78:66
The psalmist has a horn that he'd like God to erect --
"like the horn of a unicorn." 92:10
Proud people have hearts that are "fat as grease."
119:69-70
"The LORD is thy keeper.... The sun shall not smite thee
by day, nor the moon by night." So believers don't have
to bother with sunscreen. God will protect them from
sunburn, and moonburn too. 121:5-6
"To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his
mercy endures forever." 136:10
God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for
his mercy endureth for ever." 136:15
God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever."
136:17-18
God is in hell. 139:8
"The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over
all his works." Then why do nearly all animals die
painful deaths from starvation, predation, or disease
long before they reach adulthood? 145:9
This verse says that God satisfies the desires of all of
his creatures. But in nature few needs are met and few
desires are satisfied. Life is short, hard, cruel, and
painful for nearly every living thing. 145:16
Even the dragons praise the Lord. 148:7
Proverbs
"Lean not unto thine own understanding." Don't try to
understand things; just accept whatever the bible and
your religious leaders tell you. 3:5
This proverb tells us tow to tell the good from the bad:
Good people are the ones who get plenty to eat, and
wicked are the ones who go hungry. 13:25
"The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching
all the inward parts of the belly." 20:27
Don't eat dinner with a person who has an "evil eye."
23:6
To follow this proverb you must treat everyone with
disrespect. 28:21
If you are greedy then you must have an "evil eye." 28:22
One of the four "wonderful" things is "the way of a man
with a maid." 30:18-19
"The wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood." 30:33
Isaiah
God "will hiss unto then from the end of the earth." 5:26
"The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee."
7:18
God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are
biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic
hair, respectively. 7:20
Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears
a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God
then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz.
(It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3
God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and
with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked."
God must have some pretty bad breath! 11:4
"The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder
what will become of the spiders. Will they be more
friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find
another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue
to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6,
65:25
"And the weaned child shall put his hand on the
cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from
a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare
nowadays. 11:8
Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will
dance there. 13:21-22
This is the only verse in the bible that mentions
Lucifer. Although most Christians consider Lucifer to be
Satan (the devil), there is little biblical justification
for doing so. In this verse "Lucifer" refers to the king
of Babylon (Nebuchadrezzar?) and Lucifer (the light
bearer) is also called the "son of the morning" or
morning star. The only other person that is referred to
in that way is Jesus (Rev.22:16). Does this mean that
Lucifer is Jesus? 14:12
Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice,
and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever
happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29
God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to
wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign
and a wonder." In this way he will be just like the
Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their
buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5
Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of
the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord."
23:17-18
God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent")
with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1
God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by
destroying wisdom and understanding. 29:14
Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible
that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying
serpent." 30:6
"The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun,
and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this
is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon
has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the
sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will
not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine
7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26
God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us.
30:27-28
God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. 30:33
"And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7
Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did
to the author of these verses. 34:13
An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those
killed by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold,
they were all dead men." 37:36
God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars,
and "will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of
roaring and crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a
guy. 42:13
Even the dragons honor God. 43:20
Some are transgressors "from the womb." But how can a
newborn baby transgress? 48:8
"And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 49:23
God shows off his bare arm. 52:10
Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats
the eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper
hatches out of them. 59:5
"Thou shalt ... suck the breast of kings." 60:12
Jeremiah
God gives Judah "a bill of divorce." 3:8
"Behold, their ear is uncircumcised." 6:10
God says: "I will send serpents, cockatrices among you,
which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you." (A
cockatrice is "a legendary serpent with a deadly glance
said to be hatched by a reptile from a cock's egg on a
dunghill." -- Webster's Dictionary) 8:17
God will make Jerusalem "a den of dragons." 9:11
"For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth
a tree out of the forest ... with the axe. They deck it
with silver and with gold." Sounds like God doesn't much
like Christmas trees. 10:3-4
When God gets angry, the earth trembles. 10:10
Judah will become a desolate den of dragons. 10:22
God gives Jeremiah some divine instructions about a
girdle. He tells him not to wash it, but to hide it in a
rock. Jeremiah does as he's told. But, alas, when he goes
to retrieve it, it was ruined. Darn! 13:1-7
The wild asses "snuffed up the wind like dragons." 14:6
God tells us not to trust anyone, not even our family or
friends, by saying: "Cursed be the man that trusteth in
man." 17:5
God says he will do so much evil to the people that
whoever hears of it will have their ears tingle. 19:3
And the plagues of God's wrath will make everyone hiss.
19:7-9
God swears to himself. 22:5
"The other basket had very naughty figs, which could not
be eaten, they were so bad." God hates figs, at least the
"very naughty" kind. 24:2-3
God is really getting into all of this killing. He roars,
he mightily roars, and he shouts. 25:30
God will send his usual blessings upon his people: "the
sword, the famine, and the pestilence." He "will make
them like vile figs, that cannot be eaten, they are so
evil." (God hates figs.) 29:17-18
God swears to himself. 49:13, 51:14
Jeremiah predicts that humans will never again live in
Hazor, but will be replaced by dragons. But people still
live there and dragons have never been seen. 49:33
Ezekiel
Ezekiel experiences what some say is the first recorded
UFO sighting. 1:4
Ezekiel sees creatures that have four faces (human, lion,
ox, and eagle), four wings, and straight feet with calf's
soles. Well, maybe he'll feel better in the morning.1:5-
10
Ezekiel sees God's loins. 1:27
God tells Ezekiel to eat a book and to "fill his bowels"
with it. He does, and finds it to be as sweet as honey.
2:9, 3:1-3
God tells Ezekiel to be bound by ropes and then he makes
Ezekiel's tongue stick to the roof of his mouth. How this
is supposed to help spread the word of God is anyone's
guess. 3:24-26
God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and
then on his left side for another 40 days. "And thou
shalt not turn thee from one side to another, till thou
hast ended the days." I'll bet he had some killer bed
sores after that! 4:4-8
God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with
"the dung that cometh out of man." (Yum!) 4:12
God trades "cow's dung for man's dung" and then he tells
Ezekiel to make bread out of the cow's dung. 4:15
God tells Ezekiel to shave his head and beard, divide the
cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second
portion about with a knife, and scatter the third in the
wind. 5:1-3
God makes his presence known by killing people with
famine, disease, and war. 6:7-14
To Ezekiel the earth is flat and has four corners. 7:2
God stands on a wall holding a plumb line while he talks
to Amos. 7:7
Ezekiel gets to see God's loins again. (See 1:27 for the
first time.) 8:2-3
Ezekiel sees bodies, backs, hands, wings, and wheels that
were "full of eyes round about."10:12
God gets mad at a wall and says, "Thus will I accomplish
my wrath upon the wall.". 13:15
God likes neither woman nor pillows. He says, "Woe to the
woman that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your
pillows." 13:18-21
God says, "For I have no pleasure in the death of him
that dieth." That's funny, because as much killing as he
does in this book and in the whole Bible, you'd think he
must be getting some kicks out killing people. 18:32
God "will cover the sun with a cloud, and the moon shall
not give her light." To Ezekiel, the sun is just a little
light that can be covered with a cloud, and the moon
produces its own light. 32:7
God's got a hardcore grudge against the "uncircumcised."
32:21-32
The leg bone is connected to the thigh bone... 37:7
God shows Ezekiel how to join two sticks together. 37:15-
17
God says that he will get so darned angry that his fury
will come up in his face and that even the fish, birds,
beasts, and bugs will shake when they see him. God will
throw a tantrum, toppling every wall and mountain. 38:18-
20
Apparently, if a priest has been in the temple chatting
with God, some of God's "holiness" can rub off onto the
priest. And, since God doesn't want just anyone getting
hold to this "holiness," the priest has to change
clothes. 44:19
Daniel
Nebuchadnezzar built a statue of gold sixty cubits high
and six cubits wide. Taking a cubit to be 18 inches and
assuming the depth to also be six cubits, this would give
a total volume of 270 cubic yards --which would have been
more than all of the gold that King Nebuchadnezzar
possessed, and probably more than all of the gold in all
of the kingdoms of the world at that time. 3:1
Nebuchadnezzar eats grass, lets his hair grow like eagle
feathers and his nails like bird claws. Of course, there
is no record in secular history that Nebuchadnezzar
suffered any such strange sickness. 4:32-33
A detached hand writes upon the wall, and when the king
sees it "the joints of his loins were loosed, and his
knees smote one against the other." 5:5-6
Daniel is literally "Touched By An Angel." 10:16
Hosea
God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a
wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the
land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God
commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3
God gets jealous when women wear jewelry and pursue
relationships with other men. 2:13
Because of the Israelites' disobedience, the land mourns,
and all the animals are dying. 4:3
God, the all-knowing, didn't know about the princes that
the Israelites made. 8:4
God can roar like a lion. 11:10
God will rip humans apart and then eat them like a lion.
13:7-8
Joel
The animals are perplexed and cry out to God after he
torments them by burning their food and drying up the
rivers. 1:18-20
"The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand." Is
every really bad day the "day of the Lord"? And is it
always "nigh at hand"? 2:1
God says he will repay Israel for the damage the locusts
caused -- which he sent! And they will "praise the name
of the Lord." 2:25-26
"The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into
blood." These "signs" were a lot more impressive before
the causes of solar and lunar eclipses were understood.
2:31
The Lord will roar and the heavens and earth will shake.
3:16
Amos
The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto"
Hazael, Gaza, Teman, Rabbah, and Moab. 1:4-2:2
God predicts that "a man and his father will go in unto
the same maid." 2:7
God brags about killing off an entire race of gaints who
were as tall as cedars and as strong as oaks. 2:9
On the day of God's wrath, brave men "shall flee away
naked." 2:16
God afflicts the Israelites with hunger, drought, thirst,
blight, plagues and more. And he wonders why they don't
turn to him? 4:6-9
God sends the pestilence, kills young men with the sword,
and makes the "stink of your camps to come up unto your
nostrils." And yet God still wonders why the Israelites
don't turn to him. 4:10
Many Christians look forward to the "day of the Lord,"
but according to these verses, they shouldn't. 5:18-20
"Woe to" musicians. 6:1, 5
God stands on a wall holding a plumb line while he talks
to Amos. 7:7
Amos sees God standing on the altar. 9:1
God will kill "the last of them with the sword," and any
that try to escape by diving to the bottom of the sea
will be bitten, at God's command, by a serpent. God will
set his "eyes upon them for evil, not for good." 9:1-4
Obadiah
God spreads rumors, destroys wise men and understanding,
and slaughters the house of Esau. 1
Jonah
Jonah escapes from the omnipresent god by fleeing to
Tarshish. 1:3
The sailors determine that Jonah is the cause of the
storm by casting lots. 1:7
Jonah believes that by throwing himself into the sea, the
storm will die down. Even more absurd is that it worked.
1:12-15
God makes "a great fish" to swallow Jonah. And Jonah
stayed in the fish's belly for three days and three
nights. 1:17
Jonah says a little prayer from the fish's belly. 2:1
God talks to the fish, and it vomits out Jonah upon dry
land. 2:10
Everyone in Nineveh (pop. 120,000) turned to God? Jonah
must be one hell of a preacher! 3:5
God wants the "beasts" to cover themselves with sackcloth
and "cry mightily unto God." 3:8
God asks Jonah, "Do you have any reason to be angry?"
What? Three days in a fish's belly isn't enough? 4:4
God prepares a gourd to shade Jonah's head. Then he
prepares a worm to destroy the gourd. What a clever guy!
4:6-7
God argues for the sparing of Nineveh by saying they
"cannot discern between their right hand and their left
hand." So, God spares them because they're stupid? 4:11
Micah
God will "wail and howl" and "go stripped and naked." 1:8
Micah says "woe" to those that devise evil , but only two
verses later, he devises evil against "this family." 2:1,
3
Some of God's prophets tell lies and bite (with their
teeth). 3:5
God asks, "What have I done unto thee? and wherein have I
wearied thee?" Then a few verses later (6:13-16) he makes
his favorite people desolate, starved, and killed by the
sword. ( See here for a short list of injustices.) 6:3
Nahum
God is jealous, gets furious, and takes vengeance on his
adversaries.1:2
The mountains quake, the hills melt, and the earth burns
-- all because of God.1:5
There is "much pain in all loins."2:10
God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the
nations thy nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth
upon thee."3:4-6
Habakkuk
God has "horns coming out of his hand." 3:4
"Before him [God] went the pestilence, and burning coals
at his feet." 3:5
Zephaniah
God "will punish the princes, and the king's children,
and all such as are clothed with strange apparel."1:8
God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when
he comes to punish these people that say, "The LORD will
not do good, neither will he do evil": atheists,
agnostics, freethinkers, etc. 1:12
Haggai
God huffs, and he puffs, and he blows the house down!1:9
In "a little while" God "will shake the heavens, and the
earth, and the sea, and the dry land." 2:6
God claims all the silver and gold for himself.2:8
Be careful not to let any holy flesh touch any food or
wine, because if you do your flesh won't be holy any
more.2:12
God brought blight and hail upon the Israelites, and he's
mad because they don't turn to him? What the hell did he
expect?2:17
Zechariah
God's horseman patrols the earth on red colored horses.
1:8-11
Beginning with this verse, Zechariah is "Touched By An
Angel" for much of the first few chapters.1:9
Quiet everyone! God's trying to sleep. Now you've done
it. He's awake.2:13
So, God says, "God rebuke thee, O Satan?" Don't you hate
it when people refer to themselves in the third person?
3:2
God has eyes that "run to and fro through the whole
earth." 4:10
Zechariah sees a 30 foot flying scroll that burns down
the houses of thieves and liars. 5:1
God gets jealous with great jealousy and fury. 8:2
God says he'll hiss for them. 10:8
God has a soul? And, it loathed these shepherds? 11:8
God will "go forth and fight" with "his feet" on the
mount of Olives. 14:3
Malachi
"Wherein hast thou loved us?" Malachi was addressing the
skeptics of his day who questioned God's love for them.
Malachi explains that God must love them since he loved
Jacob, hated Esau, and will be angry with the Edomites
forever. 1:2-4
The priests rightly object to the biblical God's demand
for sacrifices, by saying the "table of the LORD is
polluted; and the fruit thereof, even his meat, is
contemptible." 1:12
"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon
your faces." 2:3
God gets tired of our whining.2:17
God complains that we are robbing him by not giving him
his proper cut in tithes. 3:8
Matthew
The gospel of Matthew begins with a boring genealogy like
that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 ("Neither give
heed to fables and endless genealogies") and Tit.3:9
("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies"). 1:1-17
Judah "went in unto" his daughter-in-law, Tamar, who was
disguised as a prostitute. She conceived and bore Pharez,
an ancestor of Jesus. (Gen.38:2-29) 1:3
There are 29 generations listed from David to Jesus in
Matthew's genealogy, while Luke's (3:23-31) has 43.
Except for David at one end and Jesus at the other, there
are only three names in the two lists that are the same.
1:6-16
John has a darned good point in v.14. If Jesus is the
sinless Son of God and all that, then shouldn't Jesus be
baptizing John instead of the reverse? Isn't baptism
supposed to forgive sins and be a sign of repentance? If
so, then why would Jesus need to be baptized? And what
the heck is "it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness"
supposed to mean? 3:15
The Son of God is led by the Spirit of God to be tempted
by the devil. 4:1
"But if thine eye be evil ...." How can an eye be evil?
6:23
"Behold the fowls of the air...." Jesus says that God
feeds them. But, if so, he does one hell of a lousy job
at it. Most birds die before leaving the nest, and the
few who manage to fly soon die painful deaths of
starvation, predation, or disease. If God is caring for
them, pray that he stays away from you. 6:26
The devils confess that Jesus is the Son of God.
According to 1 Jn.4:15 ("Whosoever shall confess that
Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in
God"), then, God dwells in the devils and the devils in
God. 8:29
After Jesus kills the herd of pigs by sending devils into
them, the "whole city" asks him to leave. I don't blame
them. 8:34
Jesus gives his disciples "power against unclean spirits,
to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness."
10:1
Jesus tells his disciples to perform all the usual
tricks: "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the
dead, and cast out devils." 10:8
God is involved in the death of every sparrow. He sees to
it that they each die painful deaths of starvation,
predation, or disease. But don't worry. God will do the
same for you. (He thinks that humans are worth much more
than sparrows.) 10:29. 31
"Whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny
before my Father which is in heaven." According to the
gospels (Mt.26:69-75, Mk.14:66-72, Lk.22:55-62, Jn.15:18-
27), Peter denied Jesus three times before men. Therefore
Jesus must have denied Peter before God. 10:33
John the Baptist is still not sure about Jesus (he's in
prison and is soon to die). He sends his disciples to
ask, "Art thou he that should come, or do we look for
another?"
Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the
events at Jesus' baptism, then how can anyone else be?
11:3
John the Baptist was the greatest man ever to live (even
greater than Jesus), but "he that is least in the kingdom
of heaven is greater than he." 11:11
Jesus believed in the literal truth of the fish story in
Jonah. 12:40
Jesus predicts that he will be "in the heart of the
earth" for three days and three nights. If by this he
meant that he would be in the tomb for three days and
three nights, then either he was mistaken or the gospels
are in error. Because according to the gospels (this is
one of the few things they all seem to agree on), Jesus
was in the tomb for only one day and two nights. 12:40
When an unclean spirit (whatever that may be) leaves a
person's body, he goes out to find another. Not finding
any, he comes back with seven other spirits more wicked
than himself and repossesses the person. 12:43-45
Jesus is rejected by those who know him the best -- the
people of his home town of Nazareth. 13:55-57
Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the Baptist.
Apparently, it was a common opinion at the time (See
Mt.16.13-14, Mk.6:14-15, 8:27-28, Lk.9:7-8, 18-19). If so
many of Jesus' contemporaries could be so easily fooled
regarding John the Baptist, what does this do to the
credibility of Jesus' resurrection? 14:2
The disciples wonder where they will get the bread to
feed four thousand. But they should know by now, since
Jesus just did the same trick in 14:14-21. These stories
are probably the result of two oral versions of the same
fictitious story. 15:33
Opinions were divided regarding the identity of Jesus,
but many thought that he was the risen John the Baptist.
The fact that people could be so easily fooled regarding
the Baptist's "resurrection" casts doubt on the
resurrection of Jesus. 16:14
When Peter expressed his dismay when Jesus announced his
coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me,
Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first
pope! 16:23
Jesus says that Elijah, whom he believes is John the
Baptist, will come and "restore all things." But what
things did John the Baptist restore? 17:11
If your faith is great enough, you can move mountains
around. 17:20
Jesus tells Peter to pay his taxes with a coin that he'll
find in the mouth of the first fish that he catches from
the sea. 17:27
"There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for
the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive
it, let him receive it." Dangerous words from a guy who
recommends cutting of body parts if they cause you to sin
(Mt.5:29-30, Mt.18:8-9, Mk.9:43-48). It might make
someone castrate himself so that he could be one of the
144,000 male virgins, who alone will make it to heaven
(Rev.14:3-4). 19:12
Jesus lists the "ten commandments," but his list has only
six, and the sixth is not one of the ten. The
commandments given by Jesus are secular, not religious,
in nature. 19:18
Rich people don't go to heaven. For as Jesus says, "It is
easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle,
than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
19:23
Jesus tells his apostles, "ye shall sit upon the twelve
thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel." I wonder
which tribe Judas is judging? 19:28
Matthew has Jesus ride into Jerusalem sitting on both an
ass and a colt (must have taken some practice!). 21:5-7
Jesus curses a fig tree, killing it immediately thereby
showing the world how much God Hates Figs. 21:18-20
If your faith is great enough, then you can move
mountains around. And whatever you ask for your will
receive. (O Lord, won't ya buy me a Mercedes-Benz?)
21:21-22
"Let them which be in Judea flee into the mountains."
Why? Can't God find and kill them there, too? 24:16
Jesus says there will be "false Christs" that will "show
great signs and wonders." Well, Jesus himself according
to Acts 2:22 fits this description. 24:24
Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his
blood. 26:26-28
The phrase "unto this day" shows that the gospel of
Matthew was written long after the events it describes.
27:8, 28:15
"And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the
saints" arose and walked around, appearing to meany in
Jerusalem shortly after Jesus died. 27:53-54
Even some of Jesus' apostles doubted that the allegedly
risen Christ was really Jesus. Well if they weren't sure,
how could we ever be? 28:17
Mark
"Unclean spirits" confess that Jesus Christ is come in
the flesh. If 1 Jn.4:2 is true, then these "unclean
spirits" are of God. 1:23-24
Jesus rebukes the "unclean spirit" for saying that Jesus
is "the holy one of God." 1:25
Jesus casts out more devils and tells them not to reveal
who he is. 1:32, 34
More "unclean spirits" confess that Jesus is "the son of
God." 1 Jn.4:2 says that all such spirits are of God.
3:11
Although the disciples weren't sure about Jesus even
after his alleged resurrection, the "unclean spirits"
knew that he was "the son of God." But Jesus told them
not to tell anyone. 3:11-12
Jesus gives his apostles the power to heal sickness and
"cast out devils." 3:15
Jesus' friends think he is insane. 3:21
The scribes think that Jesus casts out devils by the
power of the prince of devils, Beelzebub. 3:22
A man possessed with "an unclean spirit" recognizes Jesus
as the son of God. According to 1 Jn.4:2, 15, this man
must have been "of God." 5:7
Jesus is rejected by those who knew him the best, the
people from his home town of Nazareth. "And he could do
there no mighty work." 6:2-5
There was much disagreement and confusion about Jesus'
identity. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the
prophets. And some (like Herod in this verse) thought he
was the risen John the Baptist, even though John had just
recently died and the people must have known what he
looked like. 6:14-15
Watch out for that "evil eye." 7:22
Jesus puts his fingers in a deaf man's ears, then spits
and touches the deaf man's tongue. 7:33
The disciples ought to know by now where they can get
enough food to feed a few thousand. After all, Jesus had
just done it before (6:34-44). This "doublet" was
probably the result of two oral traditions of the same
event. 8:4
Jesus spits on a blind man's eyes. Why don't
televangelists spit on people when healing them? 8:23
There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus.
Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And
many thought he was a risen John the Baptist. With
credulity like that just about anyone could later be
passed off as the risen Christ. 8:27-28
Jesus implies that he is neither good nor God. 10:18
Jesus says that rich people cannot go to heaven. For "it
is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle,
than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
10:25
Jesus kills a fig tree for not bearing figs, even though
it was out of season. He did this to show the world how
much God hates figs. 11:12-24
If you do "not doubt in your heart" you can cast a
mountain into the sea (or kill a fig tree, or whatever).
11:23-24
"In those days ... the moon shall not give her light, and
the stars of heaven shall fall." Of course this is
nonsense. The billions of stars will never fall to earth
and the moon does not produce its own light. 13:24-25
Jesus says that heaven won't last forever. 13:31
Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his
blood. 14:22-24
Jesus first appears to Mary Magdalene "out of whom he had
cast seven devils." Now there's a reliable witness for
you. 16:9
The true followers of Christ routinely perform the
following tricks: 1) cast out devils, 2)speak in tongues,
3) take up serpents, 4) drink poisons without harm, and
5) cure the sick by touching them. 16:17-18
Luke
How could an omniscient being "increase in wisdom"? And
how could God increase "in favour with God."? 2:52
In Luke's gospel, God addresses Jesus directly saying,
"Thou art my beloved son." But Matthew (3:17) has God
speak to those witnessing Jesus' baptism, by saying:
"This is my beloved son." Whatever the exact wording, it
is strange that after witnessing this even, John the
Baptist is still unsure about Jesus (Mt.11:2-3, Lk.7:19).
3:22
The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows
him "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the world
was flat in those days. 4:5
Jesus heals people that are "vexed with unclean spirits."
6:18
Invite someone that has hit you to do it again, and if
someone steals from you offer them something additional.
Don't turn down any borrowers (Do Christian bankers
follow this one?), and when you loan something don't ask
for it back. 6:29-30
John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure
about Jesus. He sends his disciples to Jesus asking: "Art
thou he that should come? or look we for another?" Well,
if he's not sure, how can anyone else be? 7:19
Jesus cures those with "evil spirits." 7:21
Jesus removes seven devils from the body of Mary
Magdalene. 8:2
Jesus gives his disciples "power and authority over all
devils." 9:1
There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus.
Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets; others
that he was the risen John the Baptist. With such a
credulous populace, is it surprising that some people
would later claim, and probably even believe, that they
had seen the risen Christ? 9:7-8
Jesus falsely predicts that some of his listeners would
live to see him return and establish the kingdom of God.
9:27
Epilepsy is caused by devils. 9:39-42
The disciples are thrilled that "even the devils are
subject" to them. To this Jesus replies, "I give unto you
power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing
shall by any means hurt you." 10:17-19
Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will
listen to him. 10:21
People who cannot speak are possessed with devils. 11:14
Jesus says it is impossible to get rid of unclean
spirits. If you manage to evict one, he'll soon return
with seven others "more wicked than himself" and you'll
be worse off than you were before. So just learn to live
with whatever unclean spirits that are currently
possessing you. 11:24-26
Jesus thinks that eyes can be evil. 11:34
Jesus calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by
his own standards (Mt.5:22), worthy of "hell fire." 11:40
"That which is highly esteemed among men [love, wisdom,
honesty, courage, etc.] is an abomination in the sight of
God." 16:15
Jesus believes the story of Noah's ark. I guess you
should too. 17:27
Jesus also believes the story about Noah's flood and
Sodom's destruction. He says, "even thus shall it be in
the day the son of man is revealed ... Remember Lot's
wife." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of science
and history, and his sense of justice. 17:29-32
Rich people cannot go to heaven. "For it is easier for a
camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man
to enter into the kingdom of God." 18:25
Dead people have no God. 20:38
Jesus says that everyone will hate Christians, and some
Christians will be killed, yet no Christian will be
harmed in any way. 21:16-18
"And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon,
and in the stars." 21:25
Jesus tells the "good thief" that they will both be in
heaven "today." But how can that be since it's only
Friday and, according to the gospels, Jesus lay dead in
the tomb Friday night and all day Saturday. 23:43
When Mary Magdalene and the other women gave their
account of the resurrection to the apostles "their words
seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them
not." 24:11
Two of Jesus' disciples failed to recognize him after his
supposed resurrection. Maybe that was because the person
they saw wasn't Jesus. 24:16
John
John baptizes Jesus and declares him to be "the Son of
God." But later, as he is about to be beheaded, John is
no longer sure what to think about Jesus. So he sends his
own disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or
do we look for another?" (Mt.11:3) Well, if he isn't sure
after seeing and hearing the events at Jesus' baptism,
then how can anyone else be? 1:29-35
Whoever enters a pool after it is stirred up by angels
will be cured of "whatsoever disease he had." 5:4
Jesus claims that Moses wrote about him. Where? It's a
shame he didn't give us chapter and verse. 5:46
The people of Nazareth, who knew Jesus well, did not
believe in him. 6:42
Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood if
we want to have eternal life. 6:53-56
esus chose "a devil" for an apostle. Oh well, everyone
makes mistakes. 6:70
Even Jesus' family didn't believe in him. 7:5
Jesus falsely accuses people of trying to kill him. But
the people he accuses say to him, "Thou hast a devil: who
goeth about to kill thee?" 7:19-20
"We be not born of fornication" -- implying that Jesus
was. 8:41
After Jesus makes the foolish claim that those who
believe in him will never die, his listeners reply, "now
we know that thou hast a devil." 8:52
Jesus spits on the ground, mixes his spit with the dirt,
and rubs the muddy spit on a blind man's eyes. 9:6
"All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers."
All the prophets, kings, and heroes of the Old Testament;
everyone that ever lived before him was a thief and a
robber. 10:8
Jesus says that whatever you ask either him or his father
for you will receive. Now how's that for a big lie?
14:13-14, 15:7, 15:16, 16:23
Peter is caught fishing naked. 21:7
Acts
Those who heard the apostles speaking in tongues thought
they were drunk. Maybe they were. 2:13
Peter says that their strange behavior (speaking in
tongues, etc.) was to be expected since they were living
in "the last days." 2:17
Jesus did a little time in hell. 2:31
Philip made "unclean spirits" scream as they left the
bodies of the people they possessed. 8:7
Peter has a dream in which God show him "wild beasts, and
creeping things, and fowls." The voice (God's?) says,
"Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-13
Peter says that Jesus healed "all that were oppressed of
the devil." (Including Judas?) 10:38
Peter describes the vision that he had in the last
chapter (10:10-13). All kinds of beasts, creeping things,
and fowls drop down from the sky in a big sheet, and a
voice (God's, Satan's?) tells him to "Arise, Peter; slay
and eat." 11:5-6
Paul meets "a certain damsel possessed with a spirit of
divination." 16:16
The philosophers in Athens considered Paul a "babbler"
who worshipped strange gods. 17:18
Now this is funny. Paul, a guy who converted to
Christianity because he heard voices, calls the Greeks
too darned superstitious. Talk about the pot calling the
kettle black! 17:22
"The school of Tyrannus" is the only school that is ever
mentioned in the Bible. 19:9
Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or
apron of Paul. And the evil spirits when out of them."
19:12
Evil spirits know Jesus and Paul. They also jump on
people and strip them of their clothes. 19:15-16
A great multitude cry out "all with one voice" for two
hours saying, "Great is Diana of the Ephesians." 19:34
Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring
sermons. 20:9
Paul, that "pestilent fellow," is described as a
"ringleader of the sect of Nazarenes." 24:5
Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet lives. The
"barbarians" who were shipwrecked with him thought he
must be a murderer since he was bitten; but then they
changed their minds and thought him to be a god since he
didn't die. 28:3-6
The Jews of Rome refer to Paul's religion as a sect.
28:22
Romans
Paul asks the very good question: "Is there
unrighteousness who taketh vengeance [upon innocent
people]?" The obvious answer to this is, yes. Paul then
quickly adds, "I speak as a man." What else could he
speak as? A donkey or a god, perhaps? 3:5
Paul says that Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac
when he was 100 years old. But Abraham, when he was even
older, managed to father six more children with a new
wife without any divine assistance (Gen.21:2, 25:1-2).
4:19
There is nothing good about Paul. 7:18
Paul says that everyone, even in his day, had the gospel
preached to them. Even the Native Americans, Asians,
Pacific Islanders? 10:18
Paul says that only wimps are vegetarians. 14:2
1 Corinthians
Poor Paul is confused. First he says that he baptized no
one. Well, except for Crispus and Gaius. And maybe
Stephanus and his household. He can't remember if he did
it to anyone else. 1:14-16
God saves fools and is pleased with their foolishness.
1:21
God has "chosen the foolish things of the world." 1:27
If you are to be a good Christian you must try to know
nothing. 2:2-5
Paul says the "princes of this world" crucified Jesus.
But according to the gospels, there were no princes
involved with Jesus' execution. 2:8
Paul establishes his own cult by telling others to follow
him. 4:16
Paul delivers someone's body to Satan so that his flesh
can be destroyed and his soul saved. 5:5
A believer should not sue another believer in court. 6:6-
7
Paul asks if he should "take the members of Christ, and
make them members of an harlot?" He further asks, "Know
ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body?"
I didn't know that. 6:15-16
"But to the rest speak I, not the Lord." Really? So this
stuff is in scripture but is not inspired by God? 7:12
Paul says those who are circumcised should "not become
uncircumcised." (It's pretty hard to undo.) 7:18
Slaves should not desire their freedom. 7:21
"Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the
Lord: yet I give my judgment." So this is just Paul's
opinion and is not divinely inspired scripture? 7:25
Paul, like Jesus and the other New Testament writers,
expects the end to come soon. "The time is short." So
there's no time for sex, anyway, since the world will be
ending soon. 7:29
Don't be an idolater. If you do, God will make you sit
down to eat and then rise up to play. 10:7
If you tempt Christ (How could you tempt Christ?), you'll
will die from snake bites. 10:9
If you murmur, you'll be destroyed by the destroyer
(God). 10:10
Gentiles sacrifice to devils. If you have gentile
friends, then you are friends with devils. 10:20
In Galatians (1:10) Paul says, "If I yet pleased men, I
should not be the servant of Christ." In this verse he
says, "I please all men in all things." Therefore Paul is
not the servant of Christ. 10:33
Paul says that everyone should follow HIM -- not Jesus.
He'll take care of all that for you. 11:1
Every man who prays or prophesies while wearing a hat
dishonors his head. 11:4
Every women should have power on her head because of the
angels. 11:10
It is unnatural and shameful for a man to have long hair.
11:14
Those who eat and drink unworthily often get sick and
die. 11:30
"But if any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant." 14:38
This is the verse that the Mormons use to justify their
belief in the baptism of the dead. 15:29
Paul shows his ignorance (and God's) of biology by saying
that only dead seeds will germinate. Actually, a seed
must be alive to germinate. 15:36
2 Corinthians
Saved people smell good to God. 2:15
Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made
the real sinners sinless. 5:21
Paul set an example for televangelists by robbing some
churches. 11:8
There were these guys that Paul once knew, but he just
can't remember whether it was in or out of the body. It
was sort of an out of body experience. Anyway, one of
these guys was way up in the third heaven and the other
guy was in paradise. Cool, eh? 12:2-3
Galatians
Jesus was cursed by God. 3:13
Ephesians
The bloody death of Jesus smelled good to God. 5:2
Those who engage in "foolish talking" or "jesting" will
not go to heaven. (Guess where they will be going.) 5:4-5
Philippians
Everyone will have to worship Jesus -- whether they want
to or not. 2:10-11
Colossians
God makes peace through blood. 1:19-20
Paul claims that "the gospel ... was preached to every
creature under heaven." This is of course untrue since
most of the world was unknown in Paul's day. 1:23
Paul, knowing that their faith would crumble if subjected
to free and critical inquiry, tells his followers to
avoid philosophy. 2:8
1 Thessalonians
Paul with his usual modesty, proclaims that he is holy,
just, and blameless. 2:10
Paul would have arrived earlier, but Satan hindered him.
2:18
2 Thessalonians
Jesus will "consume" the wicked "with the spirit of his
mouth." 2:8
This verse says that Satan, not God, is all-powerful.
2:10
1 Timothy
Paul advises us to ignore "fables and endless
genealogies." If we follow his advice we would ignore
most of the Bible --especially the genealogies found in
Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1, and Lk.3. 1:4
Paul delivered Hymenaeus and Alexander unto Satan so
"that they might learn not to blaspheme." 1:20
"A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife."
Apparently, it's OK for laymen to have several. 3:2
"In the latter times some shall depart from the faith" by
becoming vegetarians. 4:1-4
Paul, who was something of a couch potato, thought that
"bodily exercise profiteth little." 4:8
Paul advises us to stop drinking water. Rather, he says
that we should drink wine for our "stomach's" sakes. 5:23
2 Timothy
The devil can take us captive any time he pleases. 2:26
"All scripture is given by the inspiration of God." Even
Judges 19:22-30 and Ezek. 23:20? 3:16
Titus
According to Paul, the people of Crete are "always liars,
evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12
Paul says to disregard "Jewish fables and commandments of
men, that turn from the truth." Like most of the bible,
maybe? 1:14
"The grace of God ... hath appeared to all men." At the
time this statement was written, only a very small
minority had seen or heard about Jesus. And still today
there are those who have never heard his name. 2:11
Philemon
Paul says that "the bowels of the saints are refreshed by
"Philemon." 1:7
Paul asks Philemon to receive Onesimus just as though he
were Paul's very "own bowels." 1:12
Paul pleads with Philemon to "refresh [his] bowels in the
Lord." Amen 1:20
Hebrews
Here we are told that the ark of the covenant had a lot
more in it that was reported in and 2 Chr.5:10, both of
which say that the ark had only Moses' tablets. From the
dimensions of the ark in Ex.25:10 , Aaron's staff could
hardly have fit anyway, since the ark was a box only 2.5
x 1.5 x 1.5 cubits (About 45x27x27 inches). But, hey,
maybe Aaron was a little short guy, or they broke his rod
into pieces, or they just crammed it all in somehow. Who
knows? 9:4
God hurts those that he loves. And if God doesn't hurt
you, they you are a bastard, not a son. 12:6-8
Be hospitable to strangers for "thereby some have
entertained angels." 13:2
James
James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds,
serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7
By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for
three and a half years. 5:17
1 Peter
The devil is like a lion who wanders around looking for
people to eat. 5:8
2 Peter
The "angels that sinned" are the sons of God that had sex
with human females to produce a race of giants. (See
Gen.6:4) 2:4
Noah was the first drunken preacher (Gen.9:20). 2:5
Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a
crowd of angel rapers and later(19:30-38) impregnates
them, was a "righteous man." 2:8
The author of 2 Peter believes the story in Numbers
(22:28-30) about the talking ass. 2:16
The author of 2 Peter is aware of the failed
expectations of early believers. He knows that Jesus, who
was to come soon, didn't come at all. many have begun to
ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" He tries to
cover for Jesus by claiming that "one day with the Lord
is as a thousand years." 3:4
Paul's epistles are hard to understand. And that those
who try to understand them, as with the other scriptures,
do so "unto their own destruction." 3:16
1 John
Christians are washed in the blood of Jesus. (Yuck.) 1:7
John thinks he is living in "the last times." He "knows"
this because he sees so many antichrists around. 2:18
Whoever denies "that Jesus is the Christ" is a liar and
an antichrist. If so, then there are about four billion
antichrists now living. 2:22
John says that whoever sins is "of the devil." But if
what he said in 1:8, 10 is true, then everyone is "of the
devil." 3:8
How's this for a big lie? "Whatsoever we ask, we receive
of him." 3:22
John says that all spirits that say Jesus is the Christ
are of God. If so, then the "unclean spirits" in Mark's
gospel (1:23-24, 3:11, 5:7) must have been of God. 4:2
John says that the antichrist was already present at the
time 1 John was written. So Pat Robertson must be wrong
when he says the antichrist is a Jewish man that is alive
today. 4:3
"God is love." See 1 Sam.15:2-3 for an example of what
this type of love can do. 4:8, 16
You're not living unless you've got Jesus. 5:12
John says "there is a sin unto death." It's a shame he
doesn't tell us what it is. 5:16
Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19
2 John
The nonchristian is "a deceiver and an antichrist." 1:7
Jude
The bad angels that Jude refers to here are the sons of
God that had sex with human females to produce a race of
giants. (See Gen.6:4) 6
Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the
body of Moses. 9
Revelation
Jesus has white hair, eyes of fire, feet of brass, and
has a sword sticking out of his mouth. 1:13-16
Jesus know "even where Satan's seat is." Wow! 2:13
Repent -- or else Jesus will fight you with the sword
that sticks out of his mouth. (Like the limbless knight
in Monty Python's "Holy Grail.") 2:16
John repeats his description of Jesus, saying he has eyes
of fire and feet of brass. 2:18
God has seven spirits. (Counting the Holy Spirit?) 3:1
God recommends that you wear "white raiment" so that "the
shame of thy nakedness do not appear." 3:18
John sees four beasts, each with six wings and "full of
eyes." 4:7-8
John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He
explains that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of
God." 5:6
"And the four beasts said, Amen." 5:14
God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth,
neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the
servants of your God on their foreheads." This verse is
one that Christians like to use to show God's loving
concern for the environment. But the previous verse (7:2)
makes it clear that it was their God-given job to "hurt
the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished
their forehead marking job. 7:3
144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is
going to hell. 7:4
Those that survive the great tribulation will get to wash
their clothes in the blood of the lamb. Gee, that sounds
like fun. But how would washing robes in blood make them
white? 7:14
"And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it
were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the
rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the bible,
stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground
from the sky. 8:10
God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads,
women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They
sting people and hurt them for five months. 9:7-10
An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes
good, but it makes his belly bitter. 10:10
Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two
candlesticks will be burned to death by fire that comes
out of the sticks and trees' mouths. 11:4-5
God's magic candlesticks and olive trees have special
powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain
(There are these little windows that open up whenever it
rains.), turn rivers of water into blood (like the
Egyptian magicians [Ex.7:22]), and to smite the earth
with various plagues "as often as they will." 11:6
After the candlesticks and olive trees are done talking,
burning people to death with the fire that comes out of
their mouths, shutting up heaven to prevent it from
raining, turning rivers into blood, and killing people
with plagues whenever they get the urge, they are killed
in a war started by a beast that came up out of a
bottomless pit. 11:7
After the war between the candlesticks and olive trees on
the one hand and the beast that crawled out of the pit on
the other, there will be dead bodies rotting, unburied
everywhere. And those that are not killed by the
candlesticks, trees, or beast will "rejoice over them
[the dead bodies] and make merry, and shall send gifts to
one another." A good time will be had by all. 11:8-10
"And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels
fought against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't
be safe from war or dragons. 12:7
John says that wisdom is knowing that the mark of the
beast is 666. Everyone will be marked on their right hand
or their forehead with this number. (And I thought it was
going to be my social security number!) 13:13-16
Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were
not "defiled with women.") 14:3-4
John sees three frog-like unclean spirits come out of the
mouths of the dragon, beast, and false prophet (Joseph
Smith, Charles Taze Russell, Mary Baker Eddy, Pat
Robertson?). 16:13
The great harlot is described as being "full of
abominations and filthiness of her fornication." She has
a rather large and prominent sign on her forehead, she
will get drunken with the blood of saints and martyrs,
she will be made "desolate and naked," and her flesh will
be eaten and burned with fire. 17:1-16
This verse refers to Jesus as the "bright and morning
star", as is Lucifer in Is.14:12. So is Jesus Lucifer?
22:16
Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the
rest of the Bible?) will be struck with plagues, and
anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have
his name removed from the book of life. 22:18-19
End of forwarded post from "G.Subramaniam" <***@comcast.net>
Jai Maharaj, Jyotishi
Om Shanti
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